Understanding Parents

“Your son is doing well but he doesn’t seem to connect to the class activities. I brought a real fish to show the kids and they all ran to me like crazy, but he wasn’t bothered at all. He didn’t want to see it or touch it. He went about doing his own super hero act. He seems to prefer an imaginative world to the real one!”




This was a true analysis narrated to me by my son’s Kindergarten teacher. I remember the blood drained from my face and I was so over whelmed, I cried helplessly right in front of her. She comforted me with her hug but I was filled with emotions of guilt, insecurity, helplessness and fright. Being a teacher myself, I should have probably shaped a more composed reaction but the mother inside me panicked for a “bad job” done and fear for my child’s future.


She advised me wisely and gave me guidelines to improve the focus and level of concentration. To this day, I’m grateful to god for sending her to my child’s rescue who is doing mighty well in school today.


The reason I have mentioned this incident is to bring to attention just how important it is to relate the truth to the parents and always have a plan to share in the progress and growth of such a child. I have come across teachers who identified slow learners or children with learning difficulties but somehow disqualified themselves from the ability to have an alternate plan for those children.


I remember an incident where there was a child in Grade 3. He was a Pakistani by origin and had a problem with his concentration and grasping instructions at once. He was slow in his writing and seldom followed classroom routines.


The teacher in question could clearly make out the child’s inability to cope with the classroom pace but still kept on pushing the child, often showing her frustration at not getting a response.


She met the parents on the Parent Teacher Meeting and informed them bluntly that the child had a problem and that they should consider seeking help from a child psychiatrist. The mother looked at her with a blank gaze while the father protested angrily. He was not at all ready to hear those words and let out the anxiety without any concern of other parents around or the teacher feeling upset. It was an ugly scene and they left horrified. I was the child’s English teacher and so they came to see me next but the father walked to the window and just refused to hear what I might have to say. The mother’s presence was physical but not mental. I was honest to inform her about his difficulties but gave her a plan in hand to consider that might help him attempt his work better.


The real fiasco happened after the parents left. The class teacher complained angrily in the supervisor’s office and won the sympathy of so many colleagues, each one condemning the uneducated approach of the parents. I was the Grade coordinator and got a call to join in the meeting to decide how to carry the matter further. When asked about my opinion, I spoke my mind as always. This created a strong rivalry of views.


As much as I believe it’s important to be honest, it’s even more important to be compassionate. It’s important to understand behaviours, reactions and the mind set that comes from belonging to a certain culture, origin or society. This is not to imply that Pakistani parents in any way lack the ability to accept problems and issues related to their children but this acceptance is not necessarily reciprocated by the community as a whole.


When a teacher informs the parents about their child’s probable inability to cope with class level or even the slightest possibility of being left behind for whatever reason, it’s a jumble of thoughts that crowd their minds.


The mother is filled with guilt. Guilty about not being the best mother. For not working hard enough. For not being able to see the signs in time. For having been so occupied with the house chores that her very own child had to suffer that blow. The accusations that would follow the teacher’s observation. How would she manage the situation now? Had she been selfish somewhere?


The father has his own share of disappointments. With Asian parents, having a son with a learning difficulty is even more challenging. He is filled with questions. Why did it have to be him? If only he would have been more into sports and outdoors. It’s all her fault. She pampers him like a girl. And this teacher has the nerve to tell me he is not NORMAL! Oh! How is he going to get through this competitive world? All the boys in the family and friends are going to pity him. It’s not acceptable. I have to fix it. I will have to take charge myself. He needs to be pulled up a little.


All of these reactions are related to internal and personal failure. They aren’t necessarily applicable to the situation also. It’s almost natural for most parents to express their anxieties this way. These have nothing to do with the child or his problems. And because it’s not our child, we feel the parent should behave sensibly and just accept. Illogical people may be driven by so many invisible factors. It’s extremely important for teachers to be able to make this distinction. To understand that the parent might take some time to accept.


In the meantime, the supervisor was able to convince the parents to get the boy examined by a recognized child psychiatrist. The report was sent and all teachers were advised to handle the child as per the Specialist’s recommendations. The child appeared more relaxed after that and the parents were motivated further after the first positive results came in.


The smallest issue with our child gives us sleepless nights. To be able to understand that as a teacher can erase so many presumptions on behalf of these children. Be gentle in your words and ways when you inform a parent of a possible problem. Gulp in the reaction with a heart that understands the pain and worry of being a parent. Logic always comes through. So, never exclude your healing powers from the process thinking you don’t have the relevant education. If you are a mother, you can surely be a healing teacher.