Distorted Reflections

Reflections are important. They help us focus better and sometimes the distorted image can really awaken you to the need to work on the picture a little more. This doesn’t necessarily indicate that it’s an easy process or a reflex act. Often it comes uninvited and finds you unprepared.

It was a usual morning. The class environment was controlled and children were busy preparing for the lesson. It was a crowded space with 30 students, each one special in his or her own respect. I moved around the class room instructing them to clear their tables and get ready for the Daily Oral Language.

Students worked quickly to achieve their tasks. I was proud of my achievements with them comparing their abilities from the beginning of the term till now. It was one of those rewarding moments when you realize that all that effort and mental exhaustion you put in to develop a balanced relationship was absolutely worthwhile.

Just as we were to begin our lesson, the supervisor walked in with a few sheets in hand. I looked at him quizzically. He smiled and handed me the sheets. “Ms. Shama, this is a survey to be filled in by the students about their teacher. They should do it now and you must return it to me as soon as they finish.”

I took the sheets from him and he left. I looked at the survey. It had some basic questions with three columns to tick mark through happy, unsure and sad faces.

The questions were related to being satisfied with the teacher’s method of instruction, delivery of lesson, manner of discipline, tone of the voice and even way of dressing. I smiled. I could sense the answers from quite a few students and before I distributed these papers, I put up the objective for the activity along with my high expectation.

Objective: Study the form or survey on teacher evaluation and answer the questions independently.

High Expectation: Students will fill in survey with honesty maintaining respect.

I was filled with confidence. It had been an uphill task building a strong bond with them but being a teacher, it’s imperative to understand each other in a class room to work as a productive team. I sat down with absolutely no intervention in the process allowing it to be as fair as expected.

The students were still busy answering the survey when the supervisor entered the class in a hurry.  “Ms. Shama! I’m sorry this survey was not meant for Grade 5 onwards. Please take the sheets back.” I looked at him disappointed. It wasn’t a very big deal. “Sir, it’s okay. I’ll collect the sheets when they finish. They’ve started already so we might as well let them finish. I do want the feedback!” He didn’t look much convinced but we shared some trust. “Alright, but please ensure that these sheets are not left with anyone and that you collect them and dispose them in the recyclable paper box outside the class.” I agreed.

As soon as the students completed the sheets, I had to rush to my next class. I gathered the sheets in a bundle and squeezed them into a file to read later. I was filled with curiosity and excitement to get a feedback from my students.

The day went by and as I reached home, it struck me that I had completely forgotten about the student survey. I pulled the papers out from the file and settled in my bed to read their honest opinions.

“Our teacher shouts a lot. We don’t want her in class.”

“Ms. Shama teaches well but she is too loud.”

“I don’t like the way my teacher dresses.”

“She is an unfair teacher.”

“Our teacher is good but she is always angry.”

My world turned upside down. There were five students in my class who actually did not approve of me as a good teacher. One of them even ready to get me replaced. I lost my calm. My heart questioned my reasons and my reasons attacked my feelings. I was emotionally torn. It took such a toll on my senses that I woke up at 3 am in the night and cried my heart out alone in the dark. What was I thinking? These were students that I was specifically working with a plan to help them improve. We had exchanged many one on one meetings to set learning targets together and I was following up their progress with regularity.

“Our teacher shouts a lot. We don’t want her in class.”

The boy was a bully. Whoever sat at that table sided with his agenda to challenge the teacher’s authority. He often made negative remarks through the lesson and got a good scolding from me for being unappreciative of the learning opportunity. On a school field trip, he was the only child in class who did not have a permission slip to join the fun trip to Sega Republic, an arcade with games and rides. I asked him if he wanted to go and through pure dislike, he refused on my face. With a little persuasion from his friends, he nodded his head though he was concerned about his parents who had not paid for the trip. I got permission for him from home and was happy to have all the children with me to enjoy the trip. While at Sega Republic, the students enjoyed Mc.donalds as a meal and as I watched him eat, he came across as a child deprived of these joys of togetherness and freedom. He asked me for another meal. I gave him mine, not letting him know that I paid for him, finally understanding the issues that surrounded him. He was wary of love and trust.

The next day, in the English class as I asked the students a general question related to the topic being discussed, he started with his usual negative comments. I looked at him with disappointment. “Have you already forgotten the good times we shared yesterday. Is it that difficult for you to be thankful and respectful?” And for the first time, instead of an annoying smirk, I saw tears in his eyes. He was not ready for the question but I knew he was now ready to begin the process of conquering his insecurities.

Someday, I do want to sit with him and tell him to learn to trust people, to accept love wherever he finds it as it will help drown his misery and win him his freedom. But he is only 10 years old. I know he finds me challenging, but I know that it’s the challenge that will probe him to think and reason.

“Our teacher is unfair”.

He has no self-esteem. Torn between his parent’s preferences of schools he struggles to make either one happy. The father believes this school to be right for him, the mother disagrees and blames his low scores on the school system. That gives the boy a good amount of space to manipulate both and create umpteen stories to please either one.

I was called in to the Principal’s office along with this boy to answer some very tough questions. Though the Principal was aware of my stance on the situation, she felt it was important to clarify any doubts for the child. This 10 year old spoke bluntly on my face accusing me of being discriminatory in my teaching practices favouring a Pakistani student in my class.

For a moment, I got lost. Did I have a Pakistani student in my class? And then I remembered. He was a special needs student that worked in class along with the shadow teacher. I often made an effort to involve his responses in class to keep him engaged and involved with the rest of the class. I was surprised by this boy’s evaluation of the situation. He had convinced his parents of my differential treatment towards him. He often carried distorted stories home to pacify his parents.

As I explained myself to him I could sense a strange kind of maturity coming through from his side. He seemed to be enjoying my one to one session with him and apparently it turned out that anything he did was never good enough for his parents or his teachers. He wanted me to allow him to answer all the questions in class each time he raised his hand and wanted to share all his work in front of his classmates. He was desperately looking for approval.

I promised to give him more chances and I followed through with my commitment. One day I was collecting the homework and as I crossed his table I asked him if he had submitted his work or not. He said ‘yes’. I knew that he had not. I gave him some time to stand up and confess to his lie but he continued to ignore the opportunity. Eventually when I started to count down the names to the submitted sheets he felt trapped and stood up to blurt out, “Okay, I did it but it’s at home okay. I’m not lying!”

I gathered all my hurt. “I work so hard for you. I do everything to help you feel achieved and happy. And this is how you repay me? You lie to me and are dishonest. Are you Fair?” He looked devastated. He couldn’t hide behind any more stories. He always had an answer. But that day he was quiet. He looked at me silently, still no apology in the eyes though. I asked him to sit down and didn’t address the issue any further. He was completely shattered. He followed me around making unnecessary requests and asking unimportant questions just to start a conversation. I kept quiet expressing my genuine hurt through my eyes.

A few days later while setting few targets with students in an open class discussion, we pointed some students we really wanted to hear in class activities more. Then I looked at him. He smiled sweetly. “What do we want from A?” I asked the students. “We want him to be more honest!” The class shouted together. He didn’t lose his cool. Instead he smiled and said, “I promise to be honest.” In the exam, he wrote the most beautiful write up on “The most interesting English Class I had,” writing about the class he learned to tell the truth and become more responsible.

The survey opened my eyes to the fact that students don’t always understand you or your intentions. They can write the most hurting things while evaluating you. I could not ignore their complaints of being too loud and asked them to devise a discipline plan to transfer the responsibility to them. It didn’t work and failed miserably and eventually they learned to accept me as the loud mother! I sometimes dress up to meet the desires of a few students in my class who wish to see me come to school dressed as a rock star!

Children who challenge you, might find ‘you’ as quite a challenge themselves. A survey can be a great tool to awaken you to your students’ needs and help you improve your image or bring some focus to the distorted picture!