I really feel it is important to say it.
July has only reinforced that something is terribly wrong with our men and this sense of ownership. So many cases of torture, rape, murder and plain brutality. All owing to a sense of power and accepted ownership.
As a mother of 3 boys, it pushes me to reflect on small moments and incidents in my life that truly needed a conscious effort and courage to make a statement. A statement to protect my children's humanity over an exaggerated definition of masculinity.
I'm sure so many mothers have done this, and I am not at all trying to glorify my role in any way as I still struggle to safeguard my children's rights, but more so, this is an attempt to highlight the need to be vigilant and brave while bringing up a boy.
I will share examples from each one of my boys because they are all so different.
My youngest one has always had the softness when it comes to being in the company of his much younger female cousin. Having no sister, he has the affinity to get amused by the opposite gender, and while entertaining her, I often sense his anxiety and fear of her getting hurt in many ways. If she runs too fast or cries because her doll got wet in the rain! I find his careful body language so promising. Even when he raises his hand to pat on her head to console her, he takes a moment to wait for her approval. When I asked him to just give her a hug, he said, 'She might not like that.'
I knew I had to give his cautious approach some credit. Thinking before doing anything is such an admirable quality in him. Especially when it encompasses others and their feelings. And so I told him, that he was wiser beyond his years and he should never ever change.
I really felt, it was important to say it.
My middle child has brought so much sanity in our lives. Hugging his brothers, asking his father to not shout and say things politely because they won't lose meaning either ways, sit in a room full of charged cricket fanatics in Lahore Pakistan (notice I used the word Lahore) supporting the Australian team because it isn't about unreasonable loyalty, but skill and logic. It is about playing the sport better.
Getting bullied but not moving an inch from what is logical, I was amazed by his ability to argue his stance, yet leave the room in a smile because Australia won.
I knew I had to acknowledge his rightful stand and told him, "I am so proud of you. You didn't allow your emotion to run over the reasoning. Keep shining my dearest Haadu!"
I really felt, it was important to say it.
And finally my eldest one. He was only 2 when his docile nature started to aggravate the people around him. Each time he was in a crowd of kids and there was a conflict on who gets the bicycle to ride, someone would always force it out of his hands. He would never resist and let it go. There would be visible anger in the family and he would hear cruel statements indicating his frail masculinity. The one who was able to conquer the toy was declared a hero.
I would take him on a side and tell him, "Good boy, it's never ok to take anything by force. And no need to take it personally when the comparison is with hooligans and bullies. You are not one."
I really felt, it was important to say it.
And in all these incidents, my boys were displaying character qualities that both boys and girls are capable of. Nothing extraordinary, but because our society and culture doesn't really associate these traits such as empathy, logic, and consent as masculine enough traits, raising boys as good humans becomes a task.
These are just some examples. As a mother, I have had to challenge and triumph many such moments.
Rest assured you will always find yourself alone. A new mother will have a million doubts, but trust your human instincts. Don't look at your child as a boy or a girl. Look at your child as a human being, capable of all emotions, all reason and all individuality. It takes patience, perseverance and a strong resolve to protect your boys from drowning into this vicious cycle of false masculinity that is driven by indifference, dissent and emotional abuse.
And it never stops. So you shouldn't really sit down and think it's all OK. If you have the support of your husband, it will become easier, but difficult doesn't mean it isn't achievable. My boys are much grown up now, and I still hold my fears as a mother when I hear such brutal news of men being inhuman. I still pray for them to hold enough strength and resilience to keep their humanity in tact.
It starts at home. And if you think that words won't do much, you're underestimating the power of striking it at the right time. Give words to those emotions that your boys express through their everyday actions and interactions. Reinforce their kindness, logic and respect for humanity.
I really feel it is important to say it.
